Still checking out my email but thought these were good ones. Hope ya'll like em

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR,

THIS IS THE TIME I WOULD BE THINKING ABOUT

TRADING IT IN FOR A NEWER MODEL.

I'VE GOT BUMPS AND DENTS AND SCRATCHES IN MY

FINISH AND MY PAINT JOB IS GETTING A LITTLE DULL,

BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT.

MY HEADLIGHTS ARE OUT OF FOCUS AND IT'S ESPECIALLY HARD

TO SEE THINGS UP CLOSE.

MY TRACTION IS NOT AS GRACEFUL AS IT ONCE WAS.

I SLIP AND SLIDE AND SKID AND BUMP INTO THINGS EVEN IN

THE BEST OF WEATHER.

MY WHITEWALLS ARE STAINED WITH VARICOSE VEINS.

IT TAKES ME HOURS TO REACH MY MAXIMUM SPEED.

MY FUEL RATE BURNS INEFFICIENTLY.

BUT HERE'S THE WORST OF IT

ALMOST EVERY TIME I SNEEZE, COUGH OR SPUTTER-----

EITHER MY RADIATOR LEAKS OR MY EXHAUST BACKFIRES!

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No Lawyer Left Standing

Impatient with efforts to close the courts to litigants, the

Administration literally fired the first shot in its groundbreaking "No Lawyer Left

Standing" initiative.

Vice-President Cheney, hunting on a private lawyer ranch near

Kingsville, Texas, bagged an impressive buck (Harry Whittington, UT Law '50).

Under the new program, hunters may take one white shoe in-house lawyer

Or three outside lawyers daily. The limit has been suspended for trial lawyers.

"We've just got to thin the herd," said the Vice-President. "We've

tried tort reform and caps on damages, but people are still suing." Cheney

added, "It's easy and fun. In Texas, you can shoot in almost any direction

and hit a lawyer."

haha..not bad