Redneck Christmas

[Sniper]

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

AND ALL THROUGH THE SHACK,

NOT A DARN THING WAS A MOVIN',

CEP'N THOSE COONS OUT IN BACK.

THE KIDS WERE IN BED,

WE HAD NINE AT THE TIME,

IN HER CURLERS AND CAMMIES,

THE WIFE LOOKED REAL FINE.

A COLD WIND WAS BLOWIN',

UP THE HOLLER IT MOANED,

TEN DOGS ON THE FRONT PORCH

HOWLED AND THEN GROANED.

THE BOYS WERE ALL DREAMIN'

OF WEAPONS AND GUNS,

FOR KILIN' GOD'S CREATURES,.......

THERE'S NO BETTER FUN!

THE GIRLS IN THEIR FEMININE

DREAMS DID ASSUME,

THEY'D BE GETTING THOSE

GALLONS OF WAL-MART PERFUME.

THE WIFE WANTED JEWELRY,

LIKE RINGS WITH BIG ROCKS.

I JUST WANTED MY PICKUP

DOWN OFF'N THEM BLOCKS.

THEN OUT IN YARD,

SUCH A NOISE DID COMMENCE,

LIKE SOMETHING WAS CAUGHT

IN OUR BOB-WAR FENCE.

I RAN TO THE WINDER,

AND SAW PRETTY QUICK,

WHO WAS A MAKIN' THAT RACKET,

IT WAS GOOD OL' ST. NICK.

YOU MAY THINK OF OLD SANTY

IN YER OWN MIND'S EYES,

DRESSED IN RED AND WHITE

BUT I'VE GOT A SURPRISE.

THAT OLD BOY'S AN ARKIE,

FROM UP NEAR MT. GAYLOR,

HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN,

AND THEY LIVE IN A TRAILER.

ON CHRISTMAS, OF COURSE,

A SLEIGH FOR HIS RIG,

HE HOOKS THE THING UP TO

RAZORBACK PIGS!

HE CLIMBED ON THE ROOF,

WITH HIS BAG FULL OF GOODIES,

HE FELL DOWN THE FARPLACE,

GOT ALL DIRTY AND SOOTY.

FAT LEGS IN HIS BRITCHES,

CHUBBY HANDS IN HIS MITTENS,

I ADMIT FROM THE BACK,

HE LOOKED LIKE BILL CLINTON.

HE TURNED TOWARD THE TREE,

HIS EYES ALL AGLOW,

NO DOUBT HE'S ARKIE

FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOE.

HIS NECK WAS ALL RED,

HIS SHIRT SAID "LITE BEER"

HE HAD NO RED HAT ON,

BUT HIS CAP READ "JOHN DEERE"

HE LEFT ALL THE PRESENTS,

WITH AN AIR OF DELIGHT,

THEN IT WAS BACK TO THE CHIMNEY,

AND INTO THE NIGHT.

HE RAN INTO THE YARD,

THREW HIS BAG IN THE SLEIGH,

THEN HE YELLED AT MY DOGS,

"GET THE HELL OUT TH' WAY!"

I RAN OUT TO ASK HIM

WHY HE BROUGHT SUCH GOOD CHEER;

BUT INSTEAD HE JUST ASKED ME,

"YOU GET YOU A DEER?"

THEN I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM,

AS THOSE PIGS DONE TOOK FLIGHT,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY a**!!!

I NEED A BUD LITE!"

[Capman]

Wow, that was weird, I was driving home from my parents today and 2 christmas songs were played on the radio, I thought then that it is too early for christmas stuff, then here was a post about christmas.

[Sniper]

Wow, that was weird, I was driving home from my parents today and 2 christmas songs were played on the radio, I thought then that it is too early for christmas stuff, then here was a post about christmas.

You would really be shocked if you came to the States. Wal-Mart starts putting the Christmas crap on the shelves the day after Halloween.