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Monkey Proof

i like monkeys

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I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for 5 cents a peice. I thought it was odd because they are normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. Then they punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I hearded th em into my room. They didn't adapt very well the thier new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorus at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway through the third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. THey just sorta dropped dead, **** cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys laying all over my living room, bedroom, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like 200 throwrugs.

I tried to flush one down teh toliet. I didn't work. It got stuck. THen I had one dead, wet monkey, 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile. But then they started to decompose. They smelled really bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toliet and I didn't want to call hte plumber; I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it wouldn't go bad.

I tried to burn them but then found out really fast that the bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I have one dead, wet monkey in my toliet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. THe odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city isn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had one wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about hte frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a soluion. I gave them as christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

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