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Marriage

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COMMANDMENT 1

Marriages are made in heaven.

But so are thunder and lightning.

COMMANDMENT 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

COMMANDMENT 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

COMMANDMENT 4

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

COMMANDMENT 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.

COMMANDMENT 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

COMMANDMENT 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

COMMANDMENT 8

Every man wants a wife, who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

COMMANDMENT 9

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

COMMANDMENT 10

A man is incomplete until he is married.

After that, he is finished..

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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

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There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her bosom.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store..... so what did she do?

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What are you thinking?

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HellOOOoooOOOooo, her husband speaks English

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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn t talk for an hour?

The hubby replied : Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.

______________________________________________________

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"

Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!"

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- A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

- My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

- I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

- Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

__________________________________________________

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

__________________________________________________

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

__________________________________________________

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

__________________________________________________

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

__________________________________________________

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

__________________________________________________

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.

__________________________________________________

Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?

Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

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The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

_______________________________________________

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling.

"Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know," he replied. "I just can't hear it enough."

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

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Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.

The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

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A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

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A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire,shook his rattle,and danced wildly. When he was through he said,"I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had.

After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3,4, and it will be gone for one year."

Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife,"Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than ever before.

His wife was amazed, she smiled and said,"That's great! But what did you say 1,2,3, for?

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body

with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

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Before Marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

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The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(Continue below)

"THE TEETH."

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Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". but at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this, he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years, he realized that he had to

ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in

wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: .. ... ... ... scroll down

...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ........

Well, guess what she said ......... .. ... ... ... ... ... .......

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...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ........

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...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ........

...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ........

...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ........

"Pardon"?

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One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has not offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.

Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, You can marry those girls, dear. He's not really your father."

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John: it's my wife's birthday

Peter: what's your gift to her?

John: i asked her what she wanted

Peter: what did she said?

John: anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.

Peter: what did you gave her?

John: playing cards

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