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Monkey Proof

something to offend everyone

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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?

" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a Caucasian baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... " A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

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