Just for Laughs

[SenutyEnool]

DIFF's BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

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NAMES:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

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EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

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MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

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BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

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ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

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CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

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FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

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SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

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MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

 

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DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

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NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

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OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

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FINAL THOUGHT

Any married man should forget all his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

 

 

Plan ahead, it wasn't raining when Noah started to build the Ark !!!!!

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Politics

 

 A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

 Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello and Kim Beazley. They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

 The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving ?"

 "About a litre."

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More Politics

Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan!  What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan... (Hard to argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace, but I have not heard of a plan for Peace.  So, here's one plan!"

1)         The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past and present.  You know; Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole boys".  We will never "interfere" again.

2)         We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines.  They don't want us there.  We would station troops at our borders.  No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence!

3)         All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home.  After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are.  They're illegal!  Francewill welcome them.

4)         All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!  No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in.  If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here.  Asylum would never be available to anyone.  We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.  

5)         No foreign "students" over age 21.  The older ones are the bombers.  If they don't attend classes, they get a "D", and it's back home, Baby!

6)         The USwill make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy-wise.  This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy, but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.  The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7)         Offer Saudi Arabiaand other oil-producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil.  If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else.  They can go somewhere else to sell their production.  (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8)         If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere."  They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need.  Besides, most of us know that what we give them is stolen or given to the army.  The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9)         Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace.  We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here.  Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lock-up for illegal aliens.

10)       All Americans must go to charm and beauty school.  That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer!

11)       The Language we speak is ENGLISH ... learn it ... or LEAVE...

 

Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

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Cheers :D

[Tarun]

Haha, those were so awesome!