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MrT

Training~

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Attention,

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

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COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:

....who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

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Things Not To Do During A Job Interview

1. Repeat everything your interviewer says, keep going until he or she yells at you. Then ask if you got the job.

2. Stick a piece of broccoli between your front teeth, smile a lot.

3. Sing all your answers. Badly.

4. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back completely soaked.

5. As you reach inside your briefcase pull out a sock puppet, introduce him as “Socko” and harass your interviewer with it.

6. Ask for a company Porche.

7. Comment on how much you like your interviewer’s spouse’s picture, then take it and put it in your briefcase.

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Work VS Prison

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8 X 10 cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6 X 8 pod.

In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.

At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball and chained.

In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part .. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

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Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

6. There go the lights again...

7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."

8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.

10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"

15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.

16. ****! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.

18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...

19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.

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Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. Suddenly, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting on a very, very high position.

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no zaphirer... i didnt make them up... i just want to share with you guys (and girls) because i find them interesting...

anyway, my teacher told my class a similar story (the one about crow, rabbit and fox)... and heres another...

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it...

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into s*** is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your friend.

3. If you are in s***, keep your mouth shut.

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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An international president of a social club makes a visit to another town in his district.

The prominent members of the club take him to a new zoo.

They see a lion and a goat in the same cage.

Pointing out the cage to the prominent gathering, he says: "Here is a perfect example of peaceful co-existence, which I always preach."

He then asks the zookeeper standing beside the cage: "Tell me, how do you manage this?"

"Well, it's very simple, sir," says the zookeeper. "I put in a new goat every day."

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There was once a young man who has great passion in english and literature. He vows that one day he will be the author to write something, stories or phrases, that would make the whole world yell, cry, scream, and howl with such great emotions.

The man now works in microsoft, writing error messages.

________________________________________________

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

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There was this case in this hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Friday mornings regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. Why the death at that same bed on Fridays? So the doctors decide to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the incidents....

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again.

The new unknowing patient laid there.....

Some doctors holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evils......... waiting....the patient was resting still. then 8am...... 8:30am........

Just before the 'cursed' time...... the door to the ward swung open......

Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner.

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Once a upon a time.. A bear and a wild rabbit (Hare) were taking a s*** in the woods.

About done.. The bear turned to the rabbit and asked... "Do u have problems with s*** getting stuck to your fur?"

The Hare looking a little puzzled and amused by such a dump question replied," No mate.... Not at all!"

AND

The bear then wiped his a** With the rabbit!

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A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

“No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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You know you are addicted to the internet when....

- Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

- You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

- All of your friends have an @ in their names.

- You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.

- You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.

- You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger

- You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.

- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"

- The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.

- You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.

- You start using smileys in your snail mail

- You type faster than you think.

- You double click your TV remote.

- You have more browsers than friends in the real world.

- You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN

- You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

- You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

- The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.

- You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.

- You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

- You're on the phone and say BRB.

- The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.

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A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything

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During lunch time..

a boss with 2 other were having a discussion when they found a lamp.. 1 of them rubbed it n a genie appear..

he agree to give them 3 wishes but however.. as there are 3 of them... it means that 1 person can only make 1 wishes each.

The 1st guy wish that he wont haf to work n he can be enjoying life by the beach, sun tanning and surrounded by pretty girls..

*poof* off he went and he enjoy himself..

The 2nd guy wish that he dun have to work again, got a huge house.. freaking rich.. and surrounded by pretty girls...

*poof* off he went and he got a big mansion surrounded by pretty girls.

The boss think about it.. If they are gone.. who gonna work for him and his company...

and he wish that.....

the 2 of them will come back to work right now.

*poof* Both of them came back....

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$260,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

THEN he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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You Know You're Living In 2006 When.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

8. You get up in the e morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no ..9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a ..9 on this list.

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One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, proceeds to the washroom an barley gets his pants down before squirting out a couple quarts of diarrhea.

When he was finally finished, he looked around and noticed to his horror there was no toilet paper. A sign on the wall said: "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your a** with your index and middle fingers then stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

The man thought to himself that that was nasty and he was not going to do it, but after so long of sitting there without a solution he decided to do it. So he wiped his a** with his fingers and stuck them in the hole.

His fingers are immediately smashed between two bricks.

"Arrrggghhh!" he screamed, then he shoved his fingers in his mouth.

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There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French,who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted, "WINE".

The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,

"s***!!!!!!!-.........-"

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely yours,

Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely yours,

Edna"

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Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

------

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

-------

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

-------

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

------

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, alone voice came over the intercom: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

------

From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 245 to Cape Town. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't now how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public insupervised."

------

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

------

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

------

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

------

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please do not leave children or spouses."

------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

------

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what you are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

------

Overheard on an Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway at Jo'burg International Airport really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline.".. type of smile. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, of course Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

------

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

------

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light'em, you can smoke 'em."

------

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and

uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on The intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You

should see the back of mine!

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