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Monkey Proof

real 911 calls

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these are some calls that our dispatch has to deal with daily. i think its pretty funny hearing from them about some of the calls they recieve. this list was emailed to me by one of them. i have another list floating around thats even funnier, i'll post it when i find it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

! Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

! Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you id***! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. ****......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

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court room quotes:

now you see why i hate defense lawyers. did i mention they are jackasses

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something

that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school

for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't

remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair

and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them

your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children

by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the

influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his

words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can

identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all

present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have

any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to

and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on

her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning

you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and

shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?

What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the victim?

A: She is my daughter.

Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q: It was covered?

A: Yes, bandaged.

Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?

A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A: It indicates intercourse.

Q: Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

__________________

Yeah me and Frankie laughin' and drinkin' nothin' feels better than blood on blood

Takin' turns dancin' with Maria

While the band played The Night Of The Johnstown Flood

I catch him when he's strayin' like any brother should

Man turns his back on his family ain't no good

usafcop64528 is offline Reply With Quote

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AUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG says I'm forbidden on that site rofl.gif

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Try to copy and paste it to the address bar. If that doesn't work, go here ,drop the list under "Te Crew" and click on "Air Checks & Bits". It will be the file on the list, just click on "Listen".

I hate when they do that.

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ha..i just hijacked my own thread but ohwell..

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a

pathologist. Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you

taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't

sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting

in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there

practicing law somewhere.

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Things Not To Say To A Police

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

6. Sorry Officer, I was day dreaming.

7. Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?

8. Oh good, it just you. I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?

11. Look, I'm really in a hurry. I need to make it to the FBI building with this fertilizer and chemicals before it closes today.

12. Lets play "Cops & Robbers". I'm the Cop and your the Robber. Ok?

13. I pay your salary!

14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

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Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Negotiator:

Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It's always you you you! What about my needs?!"

When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

Show up stoned and don't do anything at all.

When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

Tell the hostage taker you think it would be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wussy attitude like that."

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Best Excuse For Speeding

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

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