Comedy Club

LOL Did ya see we got censored CaPMan? But like your new avatar, says it all :P

Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as y…

No Sense of Humor My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" Yes." She replied. Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now." > > > > Brief pause. > > "Uh, okay then --- this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he ask…

is it true texasfilly that the chili is really this bad? These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) ~~~~~~…

at my station i work at has a breakroom that is always a playground for jokes on others. stuff like adding chili sauce to unattended food containers or just simply eating all of the food but only leaving a bite or two. one time someone paid the coke vender guy to change up the selection of the machine so if one selected coke they would get sprite and so forth. once someone chained up the fridge and turned it around so the doors faced the wall. but apperantly it went too far. here is a note that someone posted on the fridge this morning. i laughed hard when i read it. this note has become the talk of the station. "One of you mother f*ckin f*ck f*ck's stole my f*…

Onions & Christmas Trees A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy i…

Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says" Hot in here aint it"? The other muffin says " Holy cow, a talking muffin!" :lol:

THAT'LL ABOUT COVER IT.....................LITERALLY!!!!! THIS YEARS FAVORITE PROM DRESS PICK FROM PARENTS Looks like a parent inspecting it now LOL

Mensa Invitational The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's {2005} winners: 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself fo…

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for 5 cents a peice. I thought it was odd because they are normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. Then they punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. I hearded th em into my room. They didn't adapt very well the thier new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorus at fir…

How To Get a Gorilla off the roof. A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The g…

Wendy went over to see her neighbour Lily. " How do you get your tomatoes in your greenhouse to go red? " she asked Lily. "Mine are still green." "Well" said Lily " There is something you can try, but you have to take off all your clothes" "I'm willing to try anything" "Okay" said Lily " Tomatoes get embarrased very easily, so when they see you naked they will blush" "Ill try that tonight" said Wendy. As it began to get dark Wendy stripped off and made her way to her greenhouse. Next day she went over to see Lily. "How did you get on?" asked Lily " So So, my tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are 4 inches longer"

Tech Support for Wife 1.0 Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______…

Some background info -- Ok, if you guessed it from my avatar, halo is pretty much the only game i play on my xbox. A while ago, i got into tricking and glitching in it and found a pretty intense website, www.highimpacthalo.org . Any way, i was going through the forums and a guy took enough time to pile enough gnades under his warthog to launch it up in the air on Silent Cartographer to achieve this view. (Took him at least more than an hour and a half to plan it out) (ive seen a collection of vehicles that took over 2 years to collect and organize). Hope it impresses you as much as it does me, probably not, but its worth a try. )Corjello(

The all nude police officer calendar for 2005 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers. http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf

For all the drunkards in town.... Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, …

Funny, but informative. Anti-Bush Game Takes about 45 minutes to complete.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your s…

Oh yeah, his a** is toast.

Jenny comes to stay with her Grandmother, and asks to go out with her friends that night. She comes downstairs to go out dressed in a very low cut top. "You cannot go out dressed like that" gasps her Grandmother. "Lighten up Grandmother" replies Jenny., and off she goes. Next morning Jenny comes downstairs to find her Grandmother sitting in the chair without a top on at all. "Grandmother! what do you think you are doing, my friends will be here in a moment, cover yourself up!" "Lighten up Jenny" says Grandmother, " If it was ok for you to show your rosebuds, it's okay for me to display my hanging baskets.

take a look at this site...you can get all the info on a persons drivers license for free just with their name and state for free!!!are you on there? License Information

the skydiver jumps from the plane and his parachute wont open. his emergency one wont open either. he figures this it.. he sees another man one the way up in the sky. he ask, "do you know anything about parachutes?' the other man say's "no, do you know anything about gas stoves?'

sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state patrol officer see's a car puttering along at 22 mph. he thinks to himself,"this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"so he turns on his lights and siren and pulls the driver over. approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. the driver, obviously confused, says to him,"officer i dont understand, i was doing exactly the speed limit! what seems to be the problem?" "ma'am," the officer replies,"you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower then the speed limit also be dangerous to…

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I w…