Comedy Club

I was talking to Barry the other day about whether men have a mid life crisis where they feel a need to date younger women. He said it was all in a bloke's mind and that it had all been put into perspective for him after he had a conversation with his wife. Married 38 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 38 years ago, we had a cheap flat, an inexpensive car, slept on a fold out bed and watched TV on a 12 inch black and white. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old cutey pie. Now, because I've worked non-stop for 38 years, we have a nice house, a jacuzzi, nice cars, a big bed and a 50 inch wide plasma screen TV. However, I'…

Headlines from the year 2029: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10…

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executiv…

Hmmm, what a come back.................. If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow of…

I've seen a lot of jokes on here but not this bunch. If I'm wrong, and they are here, please forgive me : ) Enjoy! Murphy's Laws on Sex ------------------------------------------------ The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same …

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G'day folks, if you've got a heap of time on your hand and want to laugh yourself stupid try this site... Computer Stupidities Cheers :sick:

This cracked me up! Magic Pull

I had some trouble at the Patents Office the other day. I was attempting to get a couple of inventions registered and the clerk was most unhelpful. The conversation went as follows: Me: I’d like to register this invention please, and I placed it on the counter. Clerk : What’s that? Me: It’s a folding bottle. Clerk: What do you call it? Me: A Fottle - it’s a folding bottle. Clerk: What else have you got there? Me: This, and I placed my second invention on the counter. Clerk: What is this then? Me: It’s a folding carton. Clerk: And what do you call it the…

Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not l…

A bra, a battery and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar. The bra goes to the bar and orders some beers. The barman says to the bra, "I really shouldn't serve you." When the bra asks why, the barman says "Well you are already off your tits, and your mates there look like they are about to start something. ___________________________ Cheers :wish:

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven". Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God replied, "Oh, yes." "Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: There is too much inconsistency in th…

police officers sense of humor.... The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. ..15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." ..14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." ..13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." ...12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun." ..11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" ..10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk t…

1. When people get on, ask for their tickets. 2. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 3. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 4. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?" 6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!" 7. Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing. 8. Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy…

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A message left on Canon's answering service after they screwed a college student's laptop. CAUTION !!!....Adult Language....do NOT play if there are children in the room. If you are under 18.......stick your fingers in your ears. helpdesk_1_.mp3

A male patient is laying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand …

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they …

A bloke was driving his car along a country road when, to his utter amazement he saw a four legged chicken running along side the road. He could hardly believe his eyes. When the chook did a right hand turn up a track leading to a farm house he turned his car in after it. He soon came to a gate where he met the farmer who was casually leaning on the fence. The driver got out of his car and said, "You may not believe this but I just saw a four legged chicken run into your property." The farmer was casual in his response, "Yep, we breed them here." "But why?" asked the motorist. "Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, my daughter likes a leg and …

Billy Joe Bob was off for his first visit in the big city. As his dad dropped him off at the station he offered these words of advice, "Watch out for them wild wimmin in the city lad." "Don't worry," says young Billy Joe Bob, "I's smarter than them thar women any day." A fortnight later dad's back at the station to pick up Billy Joe Bob after his visit to the city. "Dad," says the youth, "I'd like yer ter meet me wife." Dad looks the girl over. She is noticably pregnant. "She's gonna have a baby Son." "That's right" grins the lad. "But it won't be your baby!" "Course it's my baby." he protests. "How der yer make that out Billy Joe Bob? "Well,…

I was checking my emails today, and when I clicked to go to my Inbox, Google flashed this message: I've seen Google give other silly error messages in the past too. It almost makes you wish that their stuff would crash more often, so you could see what they have to say about it. It's kinda like an Easter egg. Anyone else ever get any weird error messages or have programs say funny stuff?

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't" she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh well, I tried." he thought. Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was …

Dear Tech Support: Recently I upgraded programs from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other systems such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. _____________________________________ REPLY:…

F.B.EYE

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Streetin the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you h…