Comedy Club

This is from an actual trial in the UK: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a luxury bus with executive comfort features and advertisement paint outs all over the bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: "Coming Soon: The Gold D…

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:…

Mum used to cut chicken, slice eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning. My Mum used to defrost mince-meat on the kitchen sink AND I used to eat a bite raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper, in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody getting e.coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system. We all played sport, and also did PE... and …

Ever had one of those incidents where your computer is messed up, and you just want to smash it? No? This kid did... =O ^^ Note: It's WMV, streaming, it crashed my FF so dust off that old copy of IE for now EDIT: If there's a problem with that site, try the GoogleVideo version. Plus, check out this game where you can smash your computer! Smash the computer

http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two dig…

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?" "Yeah." "Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, …

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a US Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one Arab picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good; I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone,…

Things Found Only in America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our …

Wal-Mart Wines Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item. Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are: 10.Chateau…

This made me laugh. How to Drive

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!" So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She thinks "That's nice", but keeps going up. …

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago," He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at t…

If you are realllllly bored...........try this. paper throw

This is in Italian or something so I included the instructions. 1. CLICK ON THE LINK 2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE 3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK 4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY 5. CLICK ON "APRI" ENJOY! Don't forget to click on "APRI" when you see it!!! COFFEE MACHINE

Quail hunting school by Dick Cheney

Still checking out my email but thought these were good ones. Hope ya'll like em IF MY BODY WERE A CAR, THIS IS THE TIME I WOULD BE THINKING ABOUT TRADING IT IN FOR A NEWER MODEL. I'VE GOT BUMPS AND DENTS AND SCRATCHES IN MY FINISH AND MY PAINT JOB IS GETTING A LITTLE DULL, BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT. MY HEADLIGHTS ARE OUT OF FOCUS AND IT'S ESPECIALLY HARD TO SEE THINGS UP CLOSE. MY TRACTION IS NOT AS GRACEFUL AS IT ONCE WAS. I SLIP AND SLIDE AND SKID AND BUMP INTO THINGS EVEN IN THE BEST OF WEATHER. MY WHITEWALLS ARE STAINED WITH VARICOSE VEINS. IT TAKES ME HOURS TO REACH MY MAXIMUM SPEED. MY FUEL RATE BURNS INEF…

George was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that George had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." …

Now we know why CaPMan stopped drinking. DUI test

I don't agree with animal testing.... they get nervous and give the wrong answers.

Two families moved from Saudi Arabia to the USA. When they arrived the two fathers made a $10,000 bet.........in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win. A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud." "How about you?" The second man replied, "F**k you, rag head."

This is an interesting site some of you may relate to. The toilet and death ones were interesting !! http://www.iusedtobelieve.com/

Then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form and The Plan was without Substance. Darkness was upon the faces of the Soldiers. And the Soldiers went unto their Corporals and said: "This is a crock of s*** and it stinks." And the Corporals went unto their Sergeants saying: "It is a pail of dung and we can't live with the smell." And the Sergeants went unto their Warrant Officers saying: "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide it." And the Warrant Officers went unto their Lieutenants saying: "It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide its strength." And the Lieuten…

THE LEARNING CENTER "Mens' Program" REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, March 1, 2006 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays---Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice Meets 4…