Comedy Club

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years-old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire r…

Move your mouse around and also click your mouse and it changes colors. I'm sure some of you more artistic peeps can do magic http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

Funny Bush Bloopers Short, streaming video off of YouTube, various clips of Bush's ... sometimes interesting speeches. Yes, that's our president :eyeroll:

And then there was puberty.............. In case you thought lizards were the Easy Way Out in the Pets-for-Kids category: If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed…

DIFF's BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAMES: If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. …

This bloke is driving around LA and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies f…

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said,"THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to give you a test that will run for two hours, and from the results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. …

One of the funniest things I have ever read. I was in tears. http://tadpolenet.com/blogs/index.php?blog...e_your_ass_hair Not for the squeamish.

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. …

A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told the passengers that, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." …

http://www.funfreepages.com/flash/america_f***_yeah.php quite old but still pretty funny :P

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" :D

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband: "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150." The husband thought about it for a while and decided to have her shipped home. The astonished undertaker asked: "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the holy land and you only need to spend $150?" The husband replied; "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he arose from the dead." (wait for it) …

Seems a little funny that our "Web Reporter" hasn't mentioned this, especially when it's right in his backyard. Keeping all the good bits to yourself???? Aussie gas discount

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with yo…

An Italian, a German and an Australian Soccer fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught p***ing on a religious building after an all-night drinking binge. The trio face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - the only condition was that they were not allowed to reduce the number of lashes or change the type of punishment. The Italian says, "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer beforehand and a pillow tied to my back." The S…

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? If you do not know, scroll down to see answer below. Get off of the merry-go-round! :D

We should all be aware of the following moves to harmonise the language: The European commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" (or preferably, "SI English"). In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfu…

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. B…

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Vancouver. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Dave says, "I…

This is just plain weird. robomule

Baby bear arrives downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl - it is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from…

let's see if i can remember this correctly ok, girls require time and money; so Girls = Time x Money time is money; so time = money so girls are money squared Girls = Money² money is the root of evil; so money = SQ(evil) (can't find a square root sign. because of that, girls are evil. in other words, Girls = SQ(evil)² = evil it's a pretty old joke but i find it funny. btw i don't think that girls are evil. i'm just trying to be a comedian here.

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"Code3 in housewares," and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away. 6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, …

these are some calls that our dispatch has to deal with daily. i think its pretty funny hearing from them about some of the calls they recieve. this list was emailed to me by one of them. i have another list floating around thats even funnier, i'll post it when i find it. Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham …