Comedy Club

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my probl…

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was this woman who surprisingly, was not full of sh * t........ But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day! !!! The End ____________________________ Cheers :hello:

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach inAmerica . A lady came asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, " No, I am Banta Singh." Another guy came and asked him the same question. Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!" Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing." The Singh slapped him on his face and said, Stupid, id***.Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

a police officer stops a blonde for speeding and ask's her nicely if he could see her license. she replied in a huff, " i wish you guys get your act together. just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you". a blonde called the police to report that thieves had been in her car. "they've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the gas pedal" she cried out. however, before the investigation could begin, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line "nevermind, i got in the back seat by accident"

My Dog named Sex... Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "B…

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of. "That's very good" replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye" That's a very popul…

(Three answers most scared by men) ?1?Whatever Men: What to have for dinner? Women: Whatever.. Men: Why not we have steamboat? Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again? Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea Men: Then what you suggest? Women : Whatever.. ?2?Anything Men: So what should we do now? Women: Anything Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises? Women: Exer…

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) …

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" "Yes, I am," the man replied. The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs!" The old …

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality. Whispering...... Dave....... …

There are some dumb people out there, who ask some very dumb questions!! I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two …

Here's a cute little ditty that's been playing on the radio around here. http://www.badongo.com/file/2846111

So......you think YOUR job sucks?

Okay, I found this on another forum, it was posted by someone who found it on another forum (who probably found it on another forum too ). It seems the forum automatically replaced the alternative word for female dog with -blam!-. Oh, by the way, check this comic from Ctrl+Alt+Del. http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/comic.php?d=20070312

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The Democratic National Committee is currently polling Americans through the Internet to determine the electability of Hillary Clinton for the presidency of theUnited States in 2008. If you would like to show your support for Hillary and encourage her to run for President of the United States in 2008 please add your name to the bottom of the list below and send it on. Please forward and don't break the chain. This poll has been circulating since 1/03/07. 1.

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot…

With this home security system, you'll never worry about break-ins. SECURITY

http://www.google.com/tisp/ http://www.google.com/tisp/ definitely gonna get this! *Edit*

WHO IS JACK SCHITT???????? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twin Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep…

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. Answer honestly!!! You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situa…

Yep, gotta get me one of these. SportKa

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. T…

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND:…