Comedy Club

Men vs. Women 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his…

Letter from mum My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast. We are not living where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I am not able to send the address, as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be ableto take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situa…

Are you male or female? To know the answer, look down!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Not here, silly!

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking. Then I caught her spending: $85.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & colour, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $900 on clothes $600 for a gym membership. I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back. _________________________ Cheers :D

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO BUY A COMPUTER You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own …

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yeah," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the other friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch this," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. | | | | V Suddenly…

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: …

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo Factory and reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee, Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself; so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed …

THE FINAL EXAMINATION INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit - 2 hours. Begin immediately. HISTORY Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusivly, on its social, political, economic, religious and, philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and, Africa. Be brief, concise and, specific. MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and, a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture untill your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes. PUBLIC SPEAKING Two thousand riot crazed aborig…

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a m…

Religions of the World TAOISM......"S**T" Happens. HARE KRISHINA....."S**T" Rama Rama Ding Ding. HINDUISM......This "S**T" Happened Before. ISLAM......If "S**T" Happens, Take A Hostage. ZEN......What Is The Sound Of "S**T" Happening? BUDDHISM......When "S**T" Happens, Is It Really "S**T"? CONFUCIANISM......Confucias Say, "S**T" Happens. 7TH DAY ADVENTIST......"S**T" Happens On Saturday. PROTESTANTISM......"S**T" Won't Happen If We Work Harder. CATHOLICISM......If "S**T" Happens, I Deserve It. JEHOVAH'S WITNESS......Knock, Knock, "S**T" Happens. UNITARIAN......What Is This "S**T"? MORMAN......"S**T" Happens Again & Again & A…

Noah in 2006 In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Noah you need to build another Ark and have 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans put on it. I will give you 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping into his hands because there was no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain, where is the Ark? "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. …

Men Are Happier People -- what do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant ! Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well…

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see t…

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate …

Dude! Somebody totally pimped out my hufu sig! F@#$ YES!!! You guys totally PWN!!!!

Just click and hold on him and you can yank him around. Falling Bush

And here's my comic for the day! (Well, not mine, but I love it!) http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/836.html Glade : )

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which on…

Blonde LOGIC Two blondes living in NY were sitting on a bench talking...... And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........LA or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see LA.......?????" CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She r…

OK.....so I swiped it from that other forum. :P

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. ______________________________________________________ On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years?? That's a pretty long time to perform.? How about I give you back …

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really torqued. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE". The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Dave have been scheduled for Friday.

Hey everyone! Good Friday morning to you! Just want to harp again on why Macs are cool. (I can't let it rest you know, it's my job to make you people see the light!) Here is a link I think you'd find interesting: http://arstechnica.com/journals/apple.ars/2006/7/20/4719 And check out this one for some real Steve/Mac nostalgia: http://whatwouldtimmydo.org/node/13 Please take my comments/suggestions as just gentle pressure : ) I love the Mac and always will! Have a great day! Glade : )

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two ! years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant a gain. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."