Comedy Club

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic. News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said. In an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped" "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this…

While I was watching the TV yesterday, the wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer. Sometimes it's tough living with a smart arse. ___________________ Cheers :love:

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, …

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 a lot quicker than a doctor. " So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits $20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten Seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: …

Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Nailed

OH SHNAP! Commercial 1 Commercial 2 Commercial 3

Lightning exits woman's bottom October 09, 2006 12:00am Article from: The Australian A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body. Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at home when lightning struck the building. She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building. I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body. It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my …

I'm not personally a fan of WoW, and I've seen maybe 2 South Park episodes, but this is great! A South Park episode based on World of Warcraft...Probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time... almost half the episode is actually filmed in WoW, machinima style. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER. THESE ARE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY: Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail": He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV until he found out there was a fed…

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration. The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the United States of America" Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Dell Support. I talked to him yesterday.

...Man I feel sorry for you. :D

A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day I had to be the beare…

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Think I'm White & Nerdy.

A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied. "A martini please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel', and 'the latest medical break throughs. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again…

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new policy was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel on duty at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately…

Military Alert Levels As many are aware, the French government recently announced a rise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and Collaborate". A recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability precipitated the rise. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides". The Germans also increased their …

Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which …

Prolly will be edited or deleted soon......if so, sorry Tarun How's the job going? :D

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-a** student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic:..... $29.99 Clinton :.....$29.99 Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton :..... Bill is a bul***** artist. Titanic:.... I…

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." -------------------------- 2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." -------------------------- 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. -------------------------- 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." -------------------------- 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. ------------…

Baby's First Doctor Visit >> >> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting >>for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor >>arrived,and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a >>little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? >> >> >> "Breast-fed,"she replied. >> >> "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. >> >> >> >> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed >>both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed >>examination. Motioning…

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me? " The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He …

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. but I don't buy toilet paper there any more. :D

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife…